Christian Conflict Management Proper 18 (A)
Christian Conflict Management Proper 18 (A)
We live in a contentious world. We contend with each other; group “A” gets up early and creates a plan
for the day. Group “B” gets up at a more reasonable hour and decides that it doesn’t like Group “A’s” plan. The day is then spent, some would say wasted, arguing over which plan is best.
We contend with ourselves. I go to buy a new suit and I hear my mother’s voice saying, “Make it practical.” I hear my father’s voice saying, “Make it affordable.” I hear my sister’s voice saying, “Make it stylish.” And, I hear my wife’s voice saying, “Make it soon!” I can tell by the clerk’s expression that I need to make up my mind! I hear myself sighing; it’s not as easy as it looks.
When the church meets, be it vestry or bishop’s committee, keeping in mind (plan “A” versus plan “B” and the many voices we each bring to the table), it is no wonder that meetings run late. Then there are the “parking lot meetings” that gunch it all up.
Have you ever wondered why our government has several war colleges and zero “peace” colleges? Stampeding Buffalos and Peacemakers: most of us fall somewhere between these extremes. Most of us have a lot to learn about making peace in a contentious world.
We all need a vocabulary and practice. Our son David has made a commitment to a studied method to deal with conflict.
From David Campbell:
"One method that has served me well comes from the teaching of Barbara Coloroso, who has spent years helping parents and educators think differently about discipline and conflict. In her book Kids Are Worth It!, she offers a framework that moves away from punishment and winning and toward responsibility, problem-solving, and reconciliation. That seems particularly important when dealing with conflict. The goal is not simply to prove that I am right and you are wrong, but to address the problem honestly, hold people accountable when necessary, and still leave room for everyone involved to walk away with their dignity intact."
When we find ourselves in conflict there are generally three choices: we can FIGHT, FLEE or SUFFER DESPAIR. If we have a difference of opinion I can fight -- come after you with my superior education, agile brain, years of experience and loud voice and “WIN?” I win…. You flee -- back off, but you resent the fact that your ideas and feelings were never considered. The third choice is to suffer despair – saying, what’s the use, we’ll never agree, the situation is hopeless.
In our contentious world, some of us learn how to fight dirty. We criticize behind our opponent’s back; we set them up in public with questions calculated to embarrass or confuse. We all know from experience that this approach does nothing to build another up in love.
Jesus knows all about our contentious ways. He lived in the same world of contention that we live in. The Jews contended with the Romans, the Pharisees contended with Jesus, and the disciples contended with each other. In today’s Gospel, Jesus lays down three (3) very practical steps in what I would like to call, Christian Conflict Management.
Step One: If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault; just between the two of you.
Special Note: It must be remembered that all three of these steps MUST find themselves supported by God’s ultimate purpose of RECONCILIATION, WE ARE CALLED MINISTERS OF RECONCILIATION! It must also be remembered that if we tell someone their faults, it will be presumed that our lives represent a better way.
Listen to James 3:1-2, on this point; “Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. We all stumble in many ways.”
In step one, our Lord is simply saying that if you have a difference with someone, tell him or her as clearly as possible what is causing your relationship to bind. Scripture says, “Speak the truth in love.” To me, that means say what you have to say in such a way that you can live with it. Because you will!
I believe that we all want to be heard and listened to, but often we are short on the techniques required. I once took a course in P.E.T. – Parent Effectiveness Training, where I learned the “I Message” approach.
- An honest description of the behavior that bothers you.
- How that behavior makes you feel.
- What concrete, tangible effect it has on you.
Good Example: When I’m driving and you are a passenger, you keep going “huh, huh, huh.” It irritates and distracts me. I’m fearful it may cause me to make a deadly mistake while driving.
Bad Example: If you don’t shut your trap and stop acting like an old grandmother, I’m going to let you off at the next corner!
Which approach comes closest to “speaking the truth in love?”
Step Two: If the person won’t listen, take one or two others along with you so that every word may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. The first thing you may discover is that no one else believes that any harm was done. Maybe they will help you discover a prejudice, or some personal “hang-up.” If, however, they do agree, it is much more likely that you will make your point. (That’s how interventions work).
Example: A minister is approached by three elders. The minister says, when one person comes to see me, they are in trouble. But when three people come to see me, I know that I’m in trouble.
It is essential that the witnesses do their own independent homework.
Step Three: If the person causing the problem will not listen, then tell it to the church. When the church is being the church, it is the embodiment of Christ. If Christ shows mercy, the church must show mercy. If Christ points sinners in a new direction with new possibilities, the church should do the same. If Christ is our hope for new life, then the church must be our hope for new life. If I need to change because of some mistake or weakness, I would expect the church to point that out to me and then to support me through the change process.
If none of the above techniques work, then as a last resort, we may have to distance ourselves for a season. Some things are changed by time, and the different perspective a new day brings; if we all live until tomorrow, we will all have a different way of looking at life.
Oh Lord, help us to practice what we preach!
Resources for further study:
| Track 1 | or | Track 2 |
| Exodus 12:1-14 Psalm 149 Romans 13:8-14 Matthew 18:15-20 | Ezekiel 33:7-11 Psalm 119:33-40 Romans 13:8-14 Matthew 18:15-20 |
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